It's okay to miss who you were

Missing parts of your old life does not necessarily mean you regret becoming a parent. You can love your child deeply and still miss the version of yourself that existed before they arrived. Both things can be true at the same time.

Part of what makes this so hard is the cultural noise around parenthood. The messages are everywhere: good parents sacrifice everything, stay constantly vigilant and find joy in every second. This noise is often made worse by comparison with peers. When the reality of new parenthood doesn't match that expectation, it's easy to assume something is wrong with you.

When your sense of self shifts

When you become a parent, the roles that once helped define you — like your work, your friendships, your hobbies, even your own body — suddenly have less space. The role of "parent" takes up much more. It’s common to find yourself feeling like a stranger in your own life, even on the days when everything is technically going fine.

This is especially true in the first few months. If you feel disconnected from yourself, it’s not because you’ve lost who you are, but because who you are is actively changing and evolving into this new parent version of yourself. That shift takes time to get used to, and it doesn't happen on a neat timeline. It’s normal to not feel like yourself for a while.

If you’re finding this process difficult to cope with, you can explore the exercise below as a way to connect with your current self while you’re in this transformative time of life.

Reconnecting with what still matters to you

Reminding ourselves of our values can help us feel less lost. If you're feeling a little too lost, a useful place to start is asking yourself: “what still matters to me?”

Not what a good parent is supposed to value. Not what parenting culture says you should prioritize. But what actually matters to you now.

Start with what has always felt true about you. What do you care about? What kind of person do you want to be, not just as a parent but in general? The aim is to stay connected to what still matters to you.

Reconnecting to self doesn’t necessarily mean holding on to the person you were before parenthood. Parenthood changes us in ways we cannot predict. Being open to these new parts of ourselves as they emerge is part of the reconnecting process.

Connecting with a counsellor or therapist that works with people in the perinatal period can help you during this time of identity shifting. You can use the Service Finder to find a provider that works for you.

In the meantime, you can use the exercise below to help you to start thinking about your values today.

If this exercise is helpful to you, you may want to take a screenshot to keep on your phone or computer, or jot down the values somewhere you can reference if you plan to connect with a counsellor or therapist — this can be a good starting point for conversation. You may also want to share it with your partner, who is likely experiencing an identity shift of their own.