What is an intrusive thought?
An unwanted, involuntary thought or image that arrives without warning and is deeply distressing to the person experiencing it. These thoughts can involve something terrible happening to your baby, or — and this is the part that most parents find hardest to say — even an image of you harming your baby on purpose.
Why does this happen?
Your brain is designed to scan for danger. After having a baby, that system can become especially sensitive. In trying to protect your baby, your mind starts imagining "what if" scenarios or images, even though they are completely unwanted.
If these thoughts are getting in the way or you can’t stop them, you’re not alone. Mention it at your next appointment; one sentence is enough to start.
Research is clear that people who experience these thoughts are usually deeply disturbed by them. This is because they go against everything the person actually wants. To be clear: a thought is not a wish, a plan or a rehearsal for something that is going to happen. Having a scary thought is not the same as wanting it, planning it or being likely to act on it.
What can help?
Intrusive thoughts come automatically, without warning. You can’t stop a thought from arriving, but you can change your relationship to it.
The first step is to notice it as a thought, not something that is actually happening or about to happen. It showed up, but it doesn’t mean anything about you.
How to say it out loud: Words you can borrow
Shame and secrecy can make intrusive thoughts feel worse. Many parents want to tell someone but worry they’ll be judged or thought of as dangerous, or that their baby will be taken away. As a result, many new parents suffer in silence.
Here are some words you can use:
To a partner or support person
To a midwife, doctor or health visitor
To a friend
When to reach out for more support
For many people, intrusive thoughts naturally ease as they move through the first weeks and months of parenthood.
If they continue and you’re feeling distressed, or if these thoughts take up a lot of your time, interfere with sleep, bonding or daily life, or lead you to avoid your baby or certain situations, it may be helpful to reach out to a healthcare provider or other support person with training in perinatal mental health.
This can also include noticing patterns like checking, reassurance-seeking, or repeating mental or physical rituals in an attempt to manage the anxiety these thoughts bring.
Read more about intrusive thoughts and postpartum OCD.
References
This article was developed using sourced educational content from Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Trainings (CPMHT), and informed by the collective knowledge and expertise of CPMHT professionals and Karen Clarke, BA, MSW, RSW, Doula (Open Book Doula, Counselling and Consulting Services), as well as the following cited research and clinical practice guidelines:
Postpartum OCD – when the thoughts won't stop
Scary, unwanted thoughts are common and are not a sign of who you are. How intrusive thoughts differ from OCD, and why treatment works.
Postpartum rage – the emotion no one warned you about
Anger that doesn't feel like you is often a signal of unmet needs, not a character flaw. What it may be telling you, and what can help.